Isn't there something you could do instead of watching people work?
The truth is, lass, there's nothing I'd rather do.
What's so fascinating about somebody hanging out washing?
Ah, tha's not seeing it from here!
I'm enchanted with every ripple of the pinny. Don't start!
Some people like watching ballet -
I like to watch thee hanging out the washing. It's embarrassing.
I always see thee as the Margot Fonteyn of the clothes line.
I see thee reaching up on tha little toes,
and I think, "Swan Lake, 1...
"Nora Batty, 2."
You'll get some clothes prop in a minute!
Nay, lass. We've been neighbours long enough to earn a few privileges.
If we were Italian, we'd have been together ages ago. I'm not Italian!
Not even enough to cover me moving in, say, for weekends?
Oh!
Hello! There's a fluffy duster at my door.
I'm being visited by a fluffy duster.
It's amazing what you can find at the end of a feather duster!
You noticed it?
Well, are you going to tell me? Tell you what?
What is the significance of the fluffy duster? I thought it could be our signal.
Our signal, Howard?
Yours and mine? Yes! Aw!
Why do we need a signal, Howard?
It occurred to me that if I wanted to speak to you confidentially... I don't like it already.
..instead of knocking or ringing bells that some people might hear,
I thought if I put this through your letter box, it could be our signal that I wanted to speak.
And then what? When you saw the signal, you could have the door open, just off the latch,
and I could slip in silently. I'm not taking any messages to Marina!
I don't see why you should think it's always going to be that.
It could be anything I wanted to discuss with you confidentially.
Like what? Well, philosophy, politics...
life's big questions. I know...
Questions like, "What is it you want me to take to Marina?" This.
Out!
He looks a bit furtive, shifty-eyed. I'd have the cuffs on him in no time.
He looks innocent enough to me. Which I always think is suspicious.
He just looks a bit miserable. I'm not surprised -
there's no bus until this afternoon.
Probably fleeing the scene of some criminal activity. Fleeing? When there's no bus till this afternoon?
Some fleeing! They're cunning. They do it to throw you off the scent.
No use waiting there. There's no bus till this afternoon.
Typical!
Ask him where he was on the night of the 14th. Why?
I find it's a good way to start a conversation.
Is tha going far? Far? I'm going all the way.
End of the line.
Manchester? Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Somewhere up the moors. I'm looking for the bleakest spot around,
somewhere totally without charm or warmth.
You want HIS place!
He means outdoors! Oh? ..Outdoors?
I don't want any of your tourist spots - I mean really bleak.
Not having a good day, are thee, lad?
The wife's left me.
Oh, well, as long as it's nothing serious...
Ask him his name.
Name?
You don't have to write it down! Sorry. Force of habit.
What's tha name, old lad? It's Lucy.
I don't think we should be standing here talking to a man called Lucy.
It may not be as bad as you think.
It might be his second name. What's your first name? Not Sylvia, I hope!
Edward.
Oh, Edward! Tha'll never know how glad I am to hear that! Have a nice day!
I don't think he's in the mood for a nice day. Why not? He has every advantage.
Wife left him. Maybe her first name is Lucy. Got fed up being Lucy Lucy.
Oh, no, you don't! Keep it in your cup!
You sound like a bath emptying!
They say running water is peaceful.
I wish my vac had as much suction!
At least your vac runs quieter!
Drink it! I don't want to hear a sound!
How can anybody drink without making a sound?
Other people do!
There you are!
Oh, aye, they've both been brought up to be ladylike.
You say that about the man who caught the Fulham Flasher?
By his elbow, I trust?
Go on - surprise me with a cup of silent tea!
There you go, whispering lips! You can do it if you try!
SHLURP!
Not me, madam! I was house-trained by the former Mrs Truelove!
Not me. I was worrying about this letter.
What letter? For Marina.
Why is tha writing to Marina?
Not me - Howard! I thought you'd stopped delivering letters for him. He wears you down.
I know the feeling!
I can't bear to see him chewing sadly on a fluffy duster.
Shake yourself! You can't distribute leaflets hanging about in there.
Why have I got to wear these? You're representing the pony set.
On foot! Whose pony could handle legs like that?
Your face'll do just as well as a pony!
Just stroll through the town and pass out the leaflets.
Make people aware of the wonderful range of riding gear here at Auntie Wainwright's.
I'm not sure if it goes with my image.
I'm not sure either, but who'd want to buy that?
I suppose I ought to be thankful you're not selling ladies' frocks.
Funny you should say that!
Why is the sky blue?
What do you want - polka dots?
I'll ask Norman.
I expect God employed a decorator.
It'd be full of poncy little flowers if he'd employed a decorator.
I arrested an interior decorator.
He refused to give a statement until we got some lavender notepaper.
Hey-up! There's Lucy!
I thought he was looking for bleak. This isn't bleak.
This is picturesque, the kind of place people litter.
I think he's going to jump! Into six inches of water?!
I think he needs help. He does if he's jumping there. We'll have to help him find somewhere deeper.
Hey-up, Lucy!
That was a big help(!)
Everything for the pony set!
I've always rather fancied belonging to a pony set now we've got the fitted kitchen.
It must be easier than golf. Instead of 12 clubs, 1 pony.
There's not much fun being a member of Auntie Wainwright's pony set. Does she hire ponies?
Are they all manual or would she have an automatic? Knowing her, probably!
I wonder if I might soon be at home in t'saddle.
If it's a saddle you want, I think someone left one in here!
My Glenda would enjoy t'pony set.
It's such a natural move once you get bored with 50 All-Time Classical Favourites.
Aren't they dry yet? Don't be impatient. Keep running about. Enjoy yourself.
There's nothing worse than damp clothes. How about no clothes?
Could he run and deliver Howard's letter? Not to a lady.
By! She'd think it had really come first class!
It's not very warm.
You can't expect to be warm if you're leaping into rivers!
I didn't leap - I was startled. I was as good as pushed!
Tha were planning to jump in! In me own good time!
Is there a good time for jumping into a river? There's a better time than the one I took.
Why were tha wanting to jump in? Don't encourage him!
These folk are dramatic enough. The last thing they need is an audience.
The police tactic for excitable men like this is a spot of counselling with a ballpoint pen up his nostril!
Remind me never to borrow your pen!
You don't use your own pen! Heavens, no! There's an etiquette.
Does it work? They're meant to write under water. Not the pen - the nostril bit. Does it work?
Instantly soothes the agitated.
It's the policeman's lullaby.
Brings tears to your eyes.
Am I dry yet?
Hang on.
Where did he get the blue suit? That's his skin!
I've seen better-looking corpses.
We used to do lino in that colour.
It was never very popular. I can see why!
Have you never heard of hypothermia? Aye, I've heard of it.
I backed it yesterday in the 2.30.
It means losing heat.
Aye, that's the one.
Your socks are nearly dry. Where are you coldest?
Not something I care to discuss with strangers.
Socks won't help much, then!
Eskimos rub themselves with walrus fat.
But, of course, they have very little in the way of entertainment.
Let him get dressed. They're almost dry.
Will you be passing number 21 Wilton Place?
I'd like to get word to Mrs Lucy there. I thought she left thee?
Well, symbolically. I'm sleeping in the spare bedroom.
What word? That I've been seen acting desperately.
Six inches?! Tha calls that desperate?
I was expecting word from Howard.
He said he'd write. He doesn't have to wear riding breeches!
All I've had is a sinister silence. I need to show myself near his house,
so we might exchange a signal.
Of course, I need something so I don't look like me.
I couldn't help noticing that you don't look like you.
Auntie's riding gear may be just the thing!
I don't pay you to fraternise with the females!
You don't pay me at all! If you're going to get technical...!
Anyway, I wasn't fraternising. She's a customer.
You've brought me a customer?
I knew you had it in you if I could get you motivated or even some sign you were breathing.
I am breathing! It doesn't come across.
I'm grooming you for stardom. I'll make you an ace salesman yet.
"Riding simulator"?
Does it exercise the thighs? Don't yours get enough exercise, all that time spent cycling?
I can't tell you how relieved I am that you specified cycling.
My Barry's thinking of taking up equitation.
A very wise career move.
I expect he'd need that kind of mathematics in a building society.
Horses, Mother!
And horses to you, girl!
You're not past getting a clip on the ear just because you're married.
Equitation is horse riding. My Barry's thinking of taking up riding.
A son-in-law - in the pony set!
Next he'll be leaving you for his secretary.
They do! They leave you for the secretaries.
They're safer in a low-profile situation.
Ambition is all right in its place,
but they usually end up practising it in somebody else's place.
My Barry doesn't have a secretary. They've been computerised.
He didn't have an urge for a horse until today.
Not a big jump from there to a secretary.
I can do without the horses, but I do love well-dressed men in riding gear
ever since I saw Gary Cooper in a pair of jodhpurs.
I expect my Barry will look good in a pair of jodhpurs.
Mine would look all wrong in jodhpurs, even though he's built like a jockey.
Where is your Barry going riding with this secretary?
He's not going anywhere. I'll see to that.
You don't have to go through all this business of jumping into rivers.
Just go up to the house and make it up with her.
How? You stick a ballpoint...
No, no, no. That's only for emergencies.
Give her the softly softly approach.
I bet she's softly softly underneath. They all are.
You never met the former Mrs Truelove. How far underneath?
Never mind. It's too late for thee.
There you are. Outside your cosy little nest.
Isn't that better than wandering the hills? It is.
There you are, then. Give her a call. Speak gently to her. What's your pet name for her?
Tha can tell us. I don't want to hear it if it's mushy.
It's not mushy.
I shall only be embarrassed or sick or something.
Pay no attention. You can tell us her pet name.
Honey pot.
Honey pot? Eugh!
What did you call yours?
Mrs Clegg, mostly.
What did you call her in moments of high emotion? We didn't have any.
She was chapel and there was all the new furniture.
What did tha call her when tha were courting? We didn't talk a lot.
Sunday collars were far too tight for conversation.
I had several names for Mabel.
..Call the little woman. Give her a shout. Go on, man - shout!
Honey pot. Louder!
Honey pot.
Get your stupid self indoors! Thank you, precious!
You were right. It worked.
I think the instinct for flight was a sound one.
Wasn't that...? No...
Couldn't have been.
We're not saying there's a proven scientific link between wayward husbands and riding breeches.
But they're close. I don't see why.
That's because you haven't a suspicious bone in your body, which puts you at a terrible disadvantage.
It's a question of mating signals.
Women wear negligees - men wear riding breeches.
I can't see you in a negligee. And you won't!
A clean pinny was signal enough for me!
TOOT! Here's Barry. Does that sound like the horn of a wayward husband?
Barry...why are you sending out these mating signals?
I was just sounding my horn to attract attention.
You see? he admits it!
Credit where it's due. Ooh, he looks very smart.
He's no business looking smart - he's married!
What have you got to say, Barry, about wearing riding gear?
They're not easy for driving in. I can't recommend them for that.
Who is she, Barry?
I don't know what you mean.
Maybe this'll refresh his memory.
If we're talking the wayward husband stakes, there goes the favourite!
Barry, what are you doing with that woman?
What woman?
I thought it was peculiar, this sudden pony thing.
Especially that pony!
Was it something I said?
I still think men look magnificent in riding gear.
That's it! The magic key!
Chicken!
Granted. If you keep any more distance, I'll have to go mail order.
Isn't there anything you need?
I'm afraid I can give you no information but name, rank and number.
It fits better than his own gear. What kind of recommendation's that?
Everything does! They fit in better places too!
He's lucky I had them in. Barry's just brought them back.
I could hold all my ferrets in these! I hope you're better at riding them than backing them!
And to demonstrate to some people that I'm not just a money-grabber,
I'll throw in - free - his chance to test the riding simulator.
Riding simulator?
Free! Lucky you!
Wesley made it for me.
THIS is a riding simulator?!
Well, it's not for sleeping on, as you'll find out!
I can handle that. That's what you said about that barmaid. I got caught in her earrings.
You weren't in any hurry to get out.
How does it work? Wesley will tow it with his Land Rover.
Not much of a riding simulator! It will be - on the rough road!
He'll find a road with plenty of potholes and bumps. It'll be a real riding simulator.
A very stimulating simulator. You can do it.
I have faith in you. Of course, I could be lying.
This should do. Look at the surface. Going to be like a moon walk.
And guess who's going to be the little man on the moon?!
That should put a damper on the romance industry if word gets out that it's him up there!
With the most powerful telescopes, they'll be able to map all the craters in your southern hemisphere.
Don't forget to send a copy to Nora Batty!
..Steady, lad!
Is he ready?
I think "barmy" is closer!
Hey-up! There's no brakes on this! It's going uphill. Why d'you need brakes?
Come on.
You're doing great.
This is not exactly soft!
Take your weight on your thighs - the thighs!
That's why breeches have leather on the thighs. I know where the leather ought to be. Aargh!
Here we go. Slowly forward, Wesley. Take up the slack.
I think the slack's all in his head.
Remember, though - I'm doing this for Nora!
Whoa! See what I mean?
It's a piece of cake, Norm!
Tally-ho!
I hope he gets here soon. I'm ready for a pint. HELP!
Get out the way!
She never got that letter!
Oh, I'm sorry. You know how it is when you're enjoying yourself.
What's up with him? A nasty kick from a riding simulator.
Shortage of leather.
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